Anger Management
by I'm Not Wearing Any Pants
Summary: Did I mention I have a torture fetish?


I do not own TSS, nor do I claim. Did I also mention I project this violent fetish onto characters who would never canonically engage in such behavior? But I'm an expert on the show's canon. Oh, blatant contradictions. How I love them.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Cute little Ulraj, King of Kumari Kandam, son of the late King Kumari, wearer of the silly fish mustache, ignored his people's pleas for rationality as he inexplicably brooded over his father's death for weeks and weeks instead of presiding over his kingdom.

"My inner monologue will consist of tediously explaining the plot of King of Kumari Kandam. Because writing is hard and stupidly informing is much easier," he muttered. "The only reason I'm here is to be an out of character plot device for furthering the author's personal appeal fetish scenario. Like every other character in every other fic like this." He began to cry hysterically. He rose from his throne. "Argost will pay! In a sexy exposed underwear torture scenario!"

Ulraj sent his best guards to capture the mysterious and evil V. V. Argost. That would take a good number of weeks, however. Good thing for them Argost was strolling on a random beach that they happened to surface upon.

"Oh, hey. There he is," one of the guards said while pointing to the target.

"Here I am, wandering around aimlessly," Argost sang to himself. The Kumari warship parked in front of him. He was briefly startled. "Oh! Hello, gentleman. How goes things?"

"We're kidnapping you for our king," one said.

"He's gonna torture you," the other said.

"Oh my," Argost said. He put his hand to his mouth in a gesture of shock.

They dragged him off and threw him into the dungeon.

"Would someone care to explain this all?" Argost demanded politely.

Ulraj appeared. He leaned in close. He tapped the bars of the cell. "Surprise, bitch. You're in a torture fetish fic."

Argost gasped. His eyes widened. He began to tremble with fright.

The guards began to beat him with shock poles.

"Oh, heavens! More explanatory dialogue recalling the events of King of Kumari Kandam," he shouted.

"Hey, this is fun! Now what?" the guard asked. He looked excited.

"Undies," Ulraj whispered. "I WANT TO SEE UNDIES!" he then shouted at full lung capacity.

Argost's expression was too hilarious to properly describe in text. He made a disgustingly cute uke-being-raped squeal as the fishmen striped him of his clothing and made explicit reference to his LIGHT BLUE BOXER SHORTS which they left on. Why a big furry yeti was wearing those underneath his cloak is still anyone's guess. Oops, anachronism. We don't know that finale plot twist detail yet in this story. Oh no, wait. We do now!

"Hey, this guy is covered in fur," one of the startled fishmen observed.

"No, this was written years before the reveal," Ulraj stated. He snapped his fingers. "So I guess we'll consider him to be an old human guy. With a face that just so happens to look like a skeleton?"

"That makes this...all the more confusingly disturbing, actually," one of the guards admitted.

"No, it makes it HOT!" Ulraj screamed while stomping his foot. His guards fell into place obediently. "Now do things! I don't care what! As long as you don't kill him!" Ulraj had begun to redden and sweat.

"Ah...does that mean, like...we can rape him?" asked a guard.

"Ew, why would you say that?" another one gasped.

The rapey guard shrugged. He attempted to look innocent. He failed.

"Shock him with the things some more," Ulraj ordered. They did so. "Oh, Daddy, I'm gonna make you proud!" He began to close his eyes and moan.

"I've got a whip!" a guard shouted. The rest cheered in unison.

They began to whip Argost's half naked skeletal old man body. For hours. And hours. And hours. Paying special mind to note the blood stains and underwear.

"Oh, boy, all this torture has made me tired," Ulraj panted while wiping sweat from his fishy brow. "I'm retiring to my luxurious bedroom for a massage and some delicacies. Which I shall be bored of and pretend not to enjoy to their fullest. You are to execute my father's murderer in one hour!"

With that, he walked off. To his throne. Where he decided to sleep. Instead of the other idea he had before about his bedroom. Which was full of hot harem chicks and chocolate.

"This is hot!" shouted a guard.

They continued to whip Argost while making explicit references to his bloody, battered body and his LIGHT BLUE BOXER SHORTS.

"Oh, baby," another groaned.

Back at the throne room, Ulraj had slipped into a dream of his father crying hysterically.

"Son, why you being MEAN and extremely out of character?" he sobbed. "Morals and canon and junk."

"Oh, yeah. He makes a good point. I'm not very in character because I've already learned this lesson during the episode it's constantly referencing," Ulraj recalled. "Holy crap, I'd better stop my men from continuing the depraved fetish work which is obviously the author's getting off through vicariously forcing fictional characters to do this twisted crap they're so eerily obsessed with!" He got up and ran to the dungeon.

Ulraj stumbled into the cell room. He cringed upon observing his men with large boners. Torture boners. Gained from getting off to seeing violently sexualized abuse.

"Just like in mainstream porn," he cried. "Only with less big fake titty chicks and misogyny, and more presumed old dudes taking their place, crying like the women do in those videos. Which is...kind of still like misogyny? I guess? Either way, it's nasty and I demand it to stop at once!"

"Oh thank you. You have no idea how many years I've been in these horrible fanfictions, getting the shit beaten or raped out of me by some sadistic weeaboo who claims to be my biggest fan but only likes me for my long white hair," Argost cried. "And underwear, apparently. I don't even really wear it!"

Ulraj removed a torch from one of his men's hands before the crazed man could touch it to Argost's butt once again. "Stop this! For I have, once again, realized the error of lusting for vengeance! And stuff. I dunno. I'm just skeeved out by this being done in my name."

"Aww," his men sounded disappointed. They lowered their various instruments of torture. One zipped up his pants.

"Oh, thank heavens," Argost whimpered. "Might I be extricated from here now?"

"No, bitch. You're gonna rot down here in our prison for the rest of your life," Ulraj said. "You got my fucking dad killed, tried to kill me, stole Kumari's ancient freaky demon medallion, tried to claim the throne, and tried to lead my people into a unnecessary war with humanity." He snapped his fingers in a Z formation.

Argost burst into hysterical sobbing. "This story is terrible, out of character, and overall purposeless," he wept.

"Welcome to bad fanfiction. Just like bad porn, it's disgusting, needlessly violent, and has a highly unsatisfying resolution for anyone but the wankers who get off on it by making no effort to connect logic and reason to any unfolding events," Ulraj said before turning off the lights.

Everyone promptly lost their boners and were filled with much shame.

THE END


End file.
